Friday, 20 April 2007

Conversations you really don't want to have part 1

I was out of the room, so missed this particular gem but I am SO GLAD I did.

Eldest daughter (6): Daddy, there's something I really want to ask you.

Partner: What is it?

ED: Daddy, what's the F word?

P (taken aback): Oh. Um... I'm not going to tell you.

ED: Please, PLEASE, I really want to know. What is it? What is the F word?

P: Well... How do you know about the F word anyway?

ED: Some of the boys were whispering about it at school. They said it was rude. What is it? What does it mean?

P: It IS rude. Very rude. The sort of word that might upset some people if you said it. So that's why I'm not going to tell you. Sorry, love, but...

ED (flouncing away): It's not fair! You never tell me anything! My teacher wouldn't tell me either!

Gawd. Here we go. I'll be expecting, "Mummy, what's the C word?" over tea tonight...


hellojed said...

Your post made me laugh out loud! I remember asking my mum what a virgin was at your daughter's age - and she was driving at the time, poor thing. She just said it was a girl who had never had a boyfriend. I took it well but I've never forgotten the look on her face!

Jane Henry said...

Lucy, you wait!! This is one aspect of parenthood that gets worse I think...

My best one was when no 2 told the babysitter she knew how babies were made. Oh how? was the bs's innocent response.

Well a man puts his diddy into a woman's diddy and they do sexy bumping and a seed from the man goes into the egg and it makes a baby.

Turned out her cousin had told her big sister who'd told her...


My children already know the f word as I use it very illiberally. I know I oughtn't. They know I oughtn't. And what's more they know THEY oughtn't. And so far none of them have. Though I did have to tell no 1 off for saying hell the other day... But she is nearly eleven.

JJ said...

Hilarious. You were so lucky it was Dad: it's so always me! I don't trust husband to these delicate conversations any more after this event:

I once gave husband instructions to talk to his ... alright, our son about personal hygiene, having failed to make a difference myself. A little while later I asked husband 'did you talk to him?' and he said 'Yes, I said "Son, you've got to wash more."'

Great communicator my husband.

Helen said...

I'm looking forward to those conversations!

Sue - your word count is motoring - I am very impressed!

Lucy Diamond said...

Hellojed, I love your mum's response - fantastic. I can tell I'm going to have to think up these kinds of reply in advance so that I can trot them out as required!

And Jane, "sexy bumping" is a fabulous turn of phrase. In fact, it sounds like the title of a raunchy bonkbuster - I can just see it in the book shops now...!

JJ, sorry to hear it's always you who gets these conversations. Mind you, your husband seems to get his point across loud and clear - maybe next time you should do the classic response - "Ask your dad"!

Lucy Diamond said...

Oh hello Helen - didn't see you there! Yes, the word count has had a surge - it is just flowing along nicely at the moment (which makes a pleasant change!). Wait for next week though, it'll probably grind to another halt...

liz fenwick said...

I always get the questions and now quite enjoy them because I can embarass the boys back.....I want to them to ask because I don't want them to get the wrong end of thstick so to speak. I vididly remember explained what the f word was and what it meant. I spent two hours in Oktars looking through all the books on explaining it and finally found one that told enough but not too much.

Now unfortunately the 14 yr old uses it!!!

Love the sexy bumping, Jane.

This reminds me that 7 yr. old dd asked how the sperm got to the egg when we were on holiday and I postponed the discussion until we got back!

Great news on the word count, Lucy!!!

London Refugee said...


Recently our 12 year-old, Holly, came back from school and we all sat round for dinner. Asked what lessons she had had that day, Holly said 'Health' and started to mention to us and her 2 younger sisters how babies are made.

In prior months, the general baby-making details had been covered by us but now Holly filled in one of the crucial missing details - that the man had to have an erection. Well this astonished her sisters, followed by howls of laughter and finger-pointing directed at me.

There's not much that can rattle me but my face flushed at this innocent ribbing. Said organ is now referred to as my 'lumpy', to prolonged girlish laughter. There is even now The Lumpy Song.

Stand in the corner, Holly, and write out - "I must not embarrass my father!"

London Refugee

London Refugee said...

Oops, maybe I shouldn't have used the 'e' word! It's all gone quiet over here.

Oh hell, I'm blushing again.

Jan said...

I'm a Mum, Lucy, with GrownUp children.
Write all this stuff down AS IT HAPPENS,all the conversations that you have with your kids ( well, certainly the ones worth keeping..)
The Conversations, I mean,because the kids you keep anyway?!
Forget the " Where's my jimjams, Mum?" ...but remember " Why does Granny smell of popadoms and sweaty nighties?" and " Are we really in HEAVEN?
This was my 5yr old, waking up in the back of the car after a long overnight journey to DEVON..
THAT was worth keeping because now I remember his lovely glittery pink face, his bright eyes... and from this, folks, I also remember dawn breaking over Dartmoor, the cuddliness of us all in the car... and the first glimpses of sea as we drove on..
Magic memories... butlong after, we sometimes need a good old nudge to get them start your notebook at lunchtime tomorrow!

Lucy Diamond said...

CHeers, Liz - enjoy that sperm/egg conversation when your 7-year-old remembers!

London Refugee - how funny (and embarrassing). That's what children do best, of course...

And Jan - good tip about the book. We've kept one for all their 'first' things (like when they each crawled/walked, said first words and things,) but have also written in all their cute phrases and mispronunciations and funny little comments. It's one of my most prized possessions.